severed_parts4u (severed_parts4u) wrote,

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I've stepped back into my own skin and it feels like "Home"

Welcome back to me! 
Yahoo! is truly a wonder in actually keeping up with all the crap I had stored in there. That's about the only reason why I have returned and I am happy to do so. Creating another journal would surely have been ridiculous since I've abandoned so many as it is. I've deleted old (and some "embaressing") entries from this account but kept specific ones simply because they reflect who I was at sixteen and fiffteen, two souls I haven't well acquainted myself with lately. I think I've changed or that'smy excuse in coming face to face with what seems to be a whole new person I have never met before. I don't seem to recognize the skin I once felt in those years but stepping back into "home" hasn't been totally a shock. I still feel like me.

I am still cutting. Far less however and I am even beginning to believe that it isn't necessary anymore except perhaps for two reasons 

A. Still liking punishment
B. Afraid to leave it forever

perhaps that was a contradiction but it's the truth. I am now "dating" my poodle, who now resides in military school and comes back "home" during the holidays. Our relationship to me is very complicated and never ceases to baffle me. I am in awe of him and love him very much which only tangles things up...I'm not sure he's all together faithful which wouldn't bother me if he didn't insist in hanging out with his old girlfriends who are my friends...but I do have to say that my friends HAVE moved on with new bfs and doesn't seem to be too interested ...except one.I   will have to start asserting myself more and proving to him that I do want to be his (or more favorably, MINE). Crying every time I get paranoid about our relationship won't cut it.

I live in a hotel with my family. Yes, we have moved again not so surprisingly. It's in our blood. We may be moving in a week or so. We hate each other. That's the truth. I can't even pretend we dont anymore.

I think I may want to look into bdsm (not too much into the extreme but just a wittle bit...

My school is aggravating me. I have to do work...who would have thought...AHHH! College will be no better (which  by the way is my new factor of stress. I am a junior and I want to attend an art school which tend to be really expensive...but I could go to college and just major in writing...indecesivness)

my xanga which I have been updating lately and will forever keep and neve change:
Tags: bdsm, dating, hurt, love, school, self-injury, update
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Hi :) Welcome back to LJ! Art school sounds awesome, are there any scholarships available? Creative writing sounds great too, go for it, live your dreams. I remember high school being academically even harder than college - but think of every day as one day closer to your dream future :)

Hope things work out with you and your boyfriend. Lots of relationships are complex and open ones are all right if everyone's okay with it and knows what's going on. But I'm learning through life that it's important to listen to myself and think about how I really feel about things. I'm learning that I'm worth something and that I should take care of myself and not put myself in situations where I'm just getting hurt.

Just make sure that whatever you're doing is healthy for you and leaves you feeling empowered.

Hope your family's all right, sounds like a really tough situation. Hope you can get into a stable place soon.
Thanx. yes there are scholarships available. Most, however, are offered while you're a student or after you're accepted. There's alot of scholarships on Fastweb but not alot of time to reply...

I'm always hesitant to call him my "boyfriend", cause we decided not to date until after high school. (which actually is ideal because when you date at my high school, it's full of nonsensical drama) I guess the biggest thing is that he's so popular that's it's almost ridiculous. if he's within the school perimeters someone snatches him away...*grr*
at one point, he even asked if I would marry him which left me confused for a variety of reasons..(like being seventeen and all). I'll make sure in the end that I'm happy. It's the best thing I can do for myself.

We may be moving in a week or so. I'm crossing my fingers ^_^