Yahoo! is truly a wonder in actually keeping up with all the crap I had stored in there. That's about the only reason why I have returned and I am happy to do so. Creating another journal would surely have been ridiculous since I've abandoned so many as it is. I've deleted old (and some "embaressing") entries from this account but kept specific ones simply because they reflect who I was at sixteen and fiffteen, two souls I haven't well acquainted myself with lately. I think I've changed or that'smy excuse in coming face to face with what seems to be a whole new person I have never met before. I don't seem to recognize the skin I once felt in those years but stepping back into "home" hasn't been totally a shock. I still feel like me.
I am still cutting. Far less however and I am even beginning to believe that it isn't necessary anymore except perhaps for two reasons
A. Still liking punishment
B. Afraid to leave it forever
perhaps that was a contradiction but it's the truth. I am now "dating" my poodle, who now resides in military school and comes back "home" during the holidays. Our relationship to me is very complicated and never ceases to baffle me. I am in awe of him and love him very much which only tangles things up...I'm not sure he's all together faithful which wouldn't bother me if he didn't insist in hanging out with his old girlfriends who are my friends...but I do have to say that my friends HAVE moved on with new bfs and doesn't seem to be too interested ...except one.I will have to start asserting myself more and proving to him that I do want to be his (or more favorably, MINE). Crying every time I get paranoid about our relationship won't cut it.
I live in a hotel with my family. Yes, we have moved again not so surprisingly. It's in our blood. We may be moving in a week or so. We hate each other. That's the truth. I can't even pretend we dont anymore.
I think I may want to look into bdsm (not too much into the extreme but just a wittle bit...
My school is aggravating me. I have to do work...who would have thought...AHHH! College will be no better (which by the way is my new factor of stress. I am a junior and I want to attend an art school which tend to be really expensive...but I could go to college and just major in writing...indecesivness)
my xanga which I have been updating lately and will forever keep and neve change: xanga.com/mistressxXXplayhouse